Valentine's Edition

I was once at a seminar with Venus Fly Trap (that's another story to be told).  The speaker there asked what would you do if you could do whatever you wanted and did not have to worry about money.

I know what I wish I could have done today.

I wish I could have jumped on a plane to (for this story we will call the country) South America.

(editor's note: South America is a continent, not a country.-DAK)

(Matt's note: Shut up Dave-M)

Today I would have flown down there.  I would have found Venus Fly Trap.  I would have picked her up, swung here around, kissed her, hugged her, and held her for hours.

Unfortunately that did not happen.

To Venus Fly Trap...Happy Valentine's Day!

--My Name is Matt

Pissing in the Great Outdoors

This was not supposed to be the original topic tonight, but Dave (who for all intents and purposes is the editor here) decided it was not a good idea to publish what I wanted to.

So instead you get my thoughts on why pissing in the outdoors is great.

Okay, so most of the time this happens when I've been out at a bar or party and had a few to drink.  However, it has happened when I've been bone dry sober.

When that feeling of having to urinate becomes too powerful to wait until a bathroom comes around, sometimes out in the street is when you have to let it go.

And it's empowering...it's a feeling of pure freedom.  It's the call of nature out in nature.  It's not being confined to this space deemed the only place you can take a leak.

I've pissed in bushes, behind cars, cemeteries, you name it.

What?!?!?  Cemeteries?!?!?!

Yes, I spent a night drinking in a cemetery once.  But when I pissed I made sure I stayed away from the tombstones and not peed in the vicinity of the dead....though where they are actually buried I may have.  Sorry dead people.

Hell, I got my revenge on a place that I once worked at.  I peed all over the gate to the storefront.  Even the padlock got a sprinkle, sorry whoever touched the lock to open it the next day...okay I'm not sorry.

But there are times when you forget exactly where you're peeing.  On one of my birthdays, I thought I was peeing on an alley wall....nope I was peeing on the window of someone's house.  I am sorry about that.

It's even great when their is a little chill in the air.  When that warm piss hits the cold ground, sometimes you get a little of the vapor rising from the concrete.

There are times when this piss feels like the greatest piss you ever took in your life.

I swear try it out if you never have.  It feels like you're alive.

And if anyone wants to hear the original topic...hit up the comments and push Dave to write it.

--My Name is Matt

A Special Evening

One evening Venus Fly Trap and I were eating some Chinese/Japanese fusion.  It wasn't too good.  We were listening to music as we ate.  We were also both in sweats or some sort of pajama type clothing.

After we finished eating, I stood up and took her hand.  She stood and together in the dining/living room area we danced to some slow music.  It was nice, kind of romantic.

Then later on, she tried showing me how to dance to other styles of music.  It'll take time, but I think I can learn.

My point in telling this story.  It was a simple evening.  No fancy food or some fancy night out.  Just a simple night with a little magic.

Till the day I die, I will never forget that evening.  It was special.

The Venus Fly Trap is special.

--My Name is Matt

I Fought the Toilet and the Toilet Won

A number of years ago, I was visiting a girlfriend's aunt.  I wanted to make a good impression on this trip.

One night I went to the bathroom.  Let me clarify that a bit.  I took a huge dump.

I tried to flush the toilet and it would not flush.  No, I did not stuff the toilet...no, it just would not flush.

Panic set in...dear God, her aunt would wake in the morning and find this huge turd smiling at her.  What was I going to do?

I took the top of the tank off and moved things around.  Still nothing would happen.  I turned valves and turned water off.  I could not get this thing to flush, but I was getting the water to rise more and more.  Oh no, this brown snake was going to flood on the floor,

I bit my lip and took a deep breath and put my hand in this toilet and removed this nasty shit from the toilet.  I then scrubbed and cleaned the bowl inside and out to make it look sparkling.

After an hour or so, I went to talk to my girlfriend.  I explained everything to her.  She laughed and went straight to the bathroom to check it all out.  In one swift move, she flushed the toilet with no problem.

My God were you kidding me.  Apparently you just had to jiggle the flusher a specific, and very easy way.  It was not that hard.

Not that hard, unless you are me.

Lesson learned...just jiggle it a bit and it will flush.

--My Name is Matt